RETRACTED Contrition

“Forgive me Father, I haven’t sinned…”
It’s been eight years since my last confession!


Right now I’m pretty pissed at the concept of spirituality and this fucked-up fantasy of “praying” for what one needs. I’ve learned that even though we may think our prayers will be answered, it’s pretty much a crap-shoot.

As a child baptized as a Roman Catholic, I was taught to be helpful and respectful to others and to focus on living a wholesome life. In return, I’d be graced with all of the good things that life had to offer.

Yeah right, sure.. blah blah blah.. So what was my saving grace when I was six years old and 45% of my body was covered in flames running on 4th of July weekend from the back yard of our CT house to the front never knowing to ‘drop and roll’ and going through the rest of my live being called a ‘freak’ by my peers? Huh?? Where’s the grace in that?

And where was the grace as I’m lying in a pool of blood with slit wrists in a deep suicidal depression over my horrible relationship with my ex-wife at only 19 years old?

The fact that I was seconds from death and survived it? Is this what we call ‘amazing grace’ these days?

And what’s all this bullshit about “ask and ye shall receive” huh? Yeah right.. How many fucking Hail Mary’s are needed for all this stuff?

But wait, there’s more.. it’s not just the Christian realm but the Pagan/Wiccan realm too! Asking Gods and Goddesses, yeah I’ve begged and casted and prayed and whatever else you want to call it, for just one single goddamn thing for the past EIGHT years but nada!

In May of 2002, after a pathetic 19 year old Latino boy nearly took my life without a single shred of remorse, there was only one single solitary thing that I wished and asked for.

I didn’t ask for the repair of my cognitive memory that left me living on disability for the rest of my life for less than current-day’s minimum wage. Instead, I managed to adapt to the deficiency using my technology gizmos, pocket computers and stuff.

I didn’t ask for the missing hearing in one ear or the lack of eyesight in one eye causing havoc with depth perception and forcing me to learn how to move up and down stairs, drive my car in the dark with a GPS, and even use a goddamn paint brush without squishing it in the area I was trying to make a thin line. Nope, didn’t ask for help there because I was a determined little bastard and I knew that I’d solve the problems the best I could if it was the last thing I did.

I asked the universe for the repair of my olfactory nerve. That’s all. The ability to smell a fresh rose, the ability to duplicate a perfume in our home-based fragrance business. The ability to taste something more than just sweet, sour, bitter, salty when trying to cook gourmet food since cooking was a hobby I truly loved.

YES, FATHER, THIS IS MY RETRACTED CONTRITION for I haven’t sinned. I was always taught that you get what you give in a three-fold return.. Huh? TIMES THREE? WTF?

So helping friends find work, or helping people move to a new apartment, or caring about an over-seas friend who becomes destitute with no money doesn’t count huh? Point noted… Three-Fold Return is bullshit right?

True will is a powerful thing and I think that Spirituality helps to guide a person into having the will to make a difference. At this point in my life, I’ve also learned not to rely on this smoke and mirror magickal bullshit for *any* kind of “personal gain” whatsoever. Dream on assholes, cuz you’re never gonna get it. Even if you tally the score of your outbound caring vs. the inbound grace, it’s nothing but a fucking fantasy,,, period! I’m living and breathing proof.

I never inflicted harm against another. I never manipulated another’s free will. I never gave compassion to another expecting anything more than a ‘Thank You’ in return.. Nope.. Not me.. So I ask for one goddamn thing for eight fucking years and you’d think that maybe, just maybe, the powers that be, could find it in their hearts to provide it to me, right?

Repeat after me: “The number you’ve reached has been disconnected!”

Yeah, I may sound like an angry old fart but, I guess this is the place where you put yourself in my shoes as I continually ask what I did that was so horrible to be given the life I have. I ask this over and over again. Sure, I wanna help others but I’ve learned that “Physician Heal Thy Self” really doesn’t apply.

It’s pretty sick when a fucking high-priest like myself can’t receive his own universal energy even though he can broadcast fabulously to others huh? Oh and don’t piss him off because he can also call upon dark forces too.

Speaking of which, even the dark friggin’ forces have no intention of engaging in his quest for a single physical change. A change that won’t manipulate anyone else around him but, Nooo, even the friggin’ demons have no interest either. WTF?

Yup.. RETRACED CONTRITION.. And now that’s gonna be:

Three – “..kiss my ass’s”
Two – “piss off’s”
Five – “go fuck yourself’s”

And be sure to have a fabulous day as you remember that ‘good things come to those that wait.’ or ‘everything happens for a reason.’ …..blah blah blah,, so mote it be, AMEN, Buh Bye…